#WinterABC2023 Rekindling the fire :Day 18 -The shoe only fits in my foot

Do not wish you had my life, you would not be able to spend the whole day as me. Maybe your feet would be tight and you would feel like you are suffocating. Maybe my shoe size is a bit bigger and you would spend the whole day limping and feeling uncomfortable.

Beneath the smile lies a vessel that was once broken. A vessel picking herself up and trying to avoid her triggers each day. There is that broken girl who lost trust in friendships and people. There lies a girl who has anxiety attacks in her head and after the attack is over she will wipe away a tear and take a deep breath.

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My pillow has soaked a lot of tears and each tear was a sign of defeat, and under the shower, I wept out loud with the water absorbing the sounds of my cry. Sometimes I have to rush to the altar and tell it all to God because no one will ever understand what I go through.

Sometimes my thoughts scare me, they keep me awake at night and I will only be at ease when I have penned everything down. There are days I have to force myself to do something because I doubt that I am not good enough. I stare in the mirror and recite my words of affirmation. If my bedroom mirror got to be given a chance to speak, it would surely tell a story of how dancing has healed me and given me the answers that I have been looking for.

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Sleep is my escape, sometimes my dreams only confirm what I will be thinking and the funny thing I do dream in English. Reading is my other escape, it soothes the pain and takes me to a place I have never been. A lot of characters have healed me and at the moment I see fragments of myself in Mpande Zulu

Do not envy my life but borrow the traits you love about me. I hope my smile will brighten your day!