Thula nhliziyo yami

Today I drove myself to a mental health and wellness center. There is no need to keep running away. It is high time I face all my demons, if I die then at least I tried. But dying would mean that I have failed Sizwe. How will she remember me when she is only two? I cried when I left my baby at my Amwene’s house but I am good as a grenade when I do explode I might end up hurting people who are close to my heart.

2022 was a good year, I managed to avoid all the possible triggers and I was okay. I was proud of myself for giving my mental health a big chunk of my time and my energy. 2023 was going on well but everything just went south and I became a spectator in my own body. It is the thought of losing my mind that kept me awake at night. Then came the loss of concentration and I lost interest in all the activities that made me happy. I became angry at myself and I ended up scolding my child and shouting at my husband. I lost interest in my job and I would sit at my desk and fail to come up with a design for a new fabric material.

My husband saw all the signs and in a bid to help me, I pushed him away. To be honest a human being reaches a breaking point. I hope that the note I left on the kitchen counter will make me realise how sorry I am. I hope that he will love the broken glass I have turned into. I hope to walk out of this place a healed woman and ready to be an amazing wife and mother. I hope they will be waiting for me because the thought of Sizwe and Thomas is the only thing that will keep me going in here.