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The uncalled for questions series: Why are you not getting married?

Welcome to The Baobab. It’s the last week of the series. I hope you have learned a lot of lessons. A big thank you to everyone who took part in the series.

I remember being a teenager and wishing I was an adult. Now, I am finally an adult and this phase is hard. No one prepares you for what life throws at you. The first stages of adulting were hard. It still has its challenges but it got better. From experience, adulting is every bit nice when you have money, when you are walking in your purpose and when you dare to live life on your terms. Walking this life journey is especially easier when you put God first and trust his direction.

I am no different from most African girls. My upbringing entailed grooming to be a good wife. You are taught how to cook, clean, wash and manage a home from a young age. Any chore you execute incorrectly was met with statements like, “is this how you will be managing your home?” ” a girl is supposed to wake up early,…. a girl is supposed to kneel for her husband”…. You can’t be cooking with those long nails,.. a girl is supposed to sit like this,… the list is endless.

All this for what. Honestly, it is tiring,… I started dating at a young age. Not sure if that was a good or bad thing. But I have been with all sorts of personalities, know the patterns, and can sniff bullshit from a mile. Maybe that’s why most of my relationships are short. Never been with a person for over two years. I know what I want, I know what I bring, I know I can get what I want and I do not mind waiting or ending up alone. But what I will not do is settle.

Society’s idea of marriage is a scam. It does not favor women at all. Women are groomed to take on the role of mothering big men and if you fail to baby this man, you have failed as a woman. I find it so inhumane; women are humans too and have a life of their own to live. I feel sad for women that get pregnant at an early age or choose to marry early and end up unhappy, end up living with regrets. Some do not dare to get back on their feet and pursue their dreams after such drastic life-changing moments.

The question, “when are you getting married?” is very insensitive. Marriage is a personal decision and a life-changing moment. It contributes a lot to your future because this is the man you are choosing to share the rest of your life with. This is the man you are choosing to have as the father of your kids. Will he be good to them? Will he be able to carry the load of taking care of all of you? Can he carry the load if you die and leave him with the children? What happens if you are sick and unable to look after the family? These are all factors to consider in the long term. Can you have a good partnership in the marriage?

In my opinion, love fades. I would not consider it among my top yardsticks when choosing a marriage partner. Some of us may take longer than others to tie the knot because we do not want just anyone. We want a person that will be good to us and a good father to our children. It is even worse when you have grown up with no role models to turn to. I guess you have to know what you want and find it. That J cole line of  “I want that Jada and Will love” just affirms that no marriage is perfect and we never really know what is going on in the marriages society puts on a pedestal.

I am a firm believer in living life on your terms. Society has fucked us up with these norms. People are not genuinely happy but they do what is expected of them for fear of being discriminated against and gossiped about in their communities and families. Because at this age, I should be married, at this age, it will be hard for me to have children. I will not be respected by society because I am not married. That constant fear of being judged is what pushes most people to do what they genuinely do not want to do.

Marriage is a beautiful thing. Just be wise and informed before you jump into it. Do not do it because of pressure from society. At the end of the day, the marriage is yours and this life-changing decision impacts you the most.

Published by tcndangana

The girl with an overactive imagination

4 thoughts on “The uncalled for questions series: Why are you not getting married?

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